the bathroom drawer

I’ve…I’ve a lot to update you on and I haven’t posted in here for a while.

2016 was a year of re-focusing on myself in a lot of ways. My kids were getting older (3&5) and I felt I had a lot more time to devote to myself. I ate well (completed 3-4 rounds of whole30), worked out a ton (did BBG religiously, then joined a gym and went about 5x a week). I started feeling really comfortable with our little family of four as months and months went by not preventing without so much as a late period (and some disturbingly short cycles – like 16 days), I’d all but given up hope on that once highly-sought after third kid (you may recall the miscarriage in May 2015 and failed FET in Nov 2015). I was at peace with it, that ship had sailed and I wasn’t interested in going back to the place of fertility treatments or cyclical hope and disappointment. What will be will be, I thought, and we went along with our plan of “not not trying” but pretty much assuming it wasn’t going to happen.

We had a pretty crazy start to 2017. we rang the New Year in at home with a few other families. I drank champagne and cooked up a storm despite my period starting that day (like a week and a half early). My husband and I started our 5th round of whole30 on New Year’s Day. About two and a half weeks later he was hospitalized with exercise induced rhabdomyolysis for four days. It was rough with him in the hospital and still rough when he came home. He couldn’t do hardly anything aside from take care of himself. I cooked, cleaned, walked the dog, took care of the kids, and I was overly exhausted, irrationally angry, and slightly…nauseous. erm. ODD.

On a whim, I picked up a test at the drugstore, paid for it, then peed on it in the bathroom with my 3.5 year old looking on. At first glance, it looked negative, but on further inspection I saw the faintest second line. Hands shaking, I ran to my car and stashed the test in my console. I took it out again to look at in daylight. Yes, the faintest second line which I confirmed with my friend when she got in my car.

I called my OB and hardly squeaked out the words “positive home pregnancy test” “need beta bloodwork and progesterone” before crying like a madwoman into the phone. The results were not good from that first test – HCG 6. Progesterone – 6. I thought for sure this would be another chemical pregnancy (I’ve had two before) and more or less thought it was pretty much over then. I requested an rx for progesterone supplements which the nurse said let’s just retest on Monday.

I found leftover progesterone in oil shots from my FET. I had my husband shoot me up in the butt over the weekend, then begged twitter for contacts with leftover meds because I was out. Luckily I found someone local with Crinone and drove out to meet her on Monday to pick up some meds after my second blood draw. I peed on sticks every day that weekend. The lines got progressively darker.

I stashed them each of the five pee sticks in my bathroom drawer.

I was able to get blood work and finally a prescription for crinone from my doc. In between each of these tests was a lot of anxiety and uncertainty.

1/26/17 1st test: hcg 6, progesterone 6

1/30/17 2nd test: hcg 108, progesterone 23

2/6/17 3rd test: hcg 1859, progesterone 13.7

2/13/17 4th test: hcg 15000, progesterone 19

I’ve had two ultrasounds. both times the embryo was measuring about two days behind, but the doc called it “close enough”. The heartbeat looked good and strong. I took the printouts and stashed them in my bathroom drawer with the pee sticks, still not believing that it could be true. I went last week for an OB appointment and the doc was able to get the heartbeat with the doppler. I’m 12 weeks along. I called my insurance to see if they’d cover genetic testing and was told it was only on a case by case basis since I’m under 35. I don’t get another ultrasound until 20 weeks, which seems so very very far away.

I wish I could get some more peace of mind a more in depth ultrasound aside from my OB taking a quick check in the office and saying, yep, looks good. I feel like after 9 years of infertility and 8 pregnancies and an ectopic and two miscarriages and two chemical pregnancies, and a diagnosis of premature ovarian insufficiency I’d get a little more closely monitored than others. Thankfully, he did do more than normal early on, but now I’m at a point where I’m considered out of the woods even though I don’t feel that way at all.

My belly is growing and it seems like I’m about to start getting questions. My pants definitely don’t fit and I’ve started wearing (and gulp, buying) leggings exclusively. My breasts, which deflated to a B cup post-K, have grown two cup sizes already, feel huge and achey. It seems my body is ready to tell everyone before I am. I have told my immediate family, a handful of close friends, and C’s immediate family. The three year old has told her entire class I guess. We told the kids because Kate knew what was going on from doctor’s appointments and had blabbed to L about it. I was also tired a lot and felt they deserved an answer as to why, and I was never going to be completely comfortable with telling them so why not now?

I’m trying to work on saying the words “I’m pregnant” as if it’s a sentence and not a question. I cannot actually picture myself giving birth again, introducing a baby to his or her older siblings yet. I’m trying to let myself imagine and dream and enjoy these thoughts. I can’t help but feel this is all some sort of cruel joke, way too good to be true,  One day at a time. Movement, I think, will help, and the in depth ultrasound at 20 weeks.

I give you the contents of my bathroom drawer I’ve been compartmentalizing. And. a slight (but I feel obvious enough I will have to come clean at wedding next weekend with college friends) bump.

12 weeks.

whoa. is this really happening?


13 thoughts on “the bathroom drawer

  1. First off, CONFRATULATIONS! I’m so thrilled for you that this is happening!

    You know, I was just wondering about you. I was going to ask Courtney how you were. Since I’m not ok FB, and you don’t blog anymore, I really had no idea. Then you randomly commented on a post of mine, and I thought, huh? That’s a weird coincidence! So I’m not all that surprised you had big news to share. I’m so glad it’s happy.

    Great to hear from you, especially under these circumstances.

  2. Crazy happy for you!! Wonderful thoughts and lots o hope heading your way. I hope you’re feeling better with the morning sickness!

  3. Oh I’m so glad I logged in today and saw this!! I’m never on blogger anymore and this was the first one I read – such exciting news!! Congratulations!!

  4. I’m so, so, so, so happy for you. 🙂 Thank God you followed your instincts to start on the progesterone immediately. It’s such an easy thing to prescribe with no side effects – I truly don’t understand why it’s not more routinely given if the patient requests it. *sigh* Keep me posted via text! ❤

  5. Yaaaay.. I am so so happy for you and for this exciting news!! Wonderful! You look beautiful with that little bump and can’t wait to see and hear more throughout this pregnancy. Huge congrats lady!!

  6. OMG! Congratulations!!! I’m just seeing this now…but I saw one of your FB post pictures and thought you looked it, but then told myself I was being mean etc etc etc. I’m SO happy for you!!

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