Well, I’d like to be writing about how my year of peace and being comfortable in my lot in life was buzzing along nicely, but unfortunately as the year goes by I feel more of a twinge toward maaaaybe we can have just ONE more baby…just one more. It doesn’t help that my period was over a week late last cycle and we didn’t prevent so I kept peeing on sticks and one after the other was negative, negative, negative. The first time I was a bit relieved because I really didn’t want to pencil in another d&c anytime soon, but by the third I was annoyed and frustrated with my body. Eventually, AF did show and I was so relieved. It was a full week late.
During this time, I was at the end of my second round of whole30 and physically feeling pretty awesome. My skin was clear, I had a ton of energy, clear-headed, and working out 5-6 times a week. I’m a member of a large whole30 group on FB (in addition to a more personal one) and for some reason that week was the week for all the infertile women to share their non-scale victories of getting pregnant and it was so triggering for me.
Within the past week, I’ve suddenly been considering doing IVF again because I am crazy I guess. Last night, had they been open, I may have called for a consult. Do I want to go through the shots, appointments, surgery, stress, bloat, and worry again? Hell no. But this sort of trying but trying not to try because there’s not really such a great chance of it actually happening without assistance is kind of driving me crazy too. And also thinking well maybe if I just eat cleanly and exercise it will just happen on its own, but if it doesn’t what am I going to go do IVF again when I’m even older? Will I regret not doing it now? And how much of a chance is there that it would actually happen when I only got 3 embryos the first time when I was 29. And…they place a perfect blast in my ute in September and it didn’t work. And I was actually pregnant 9 months ago without any help at all and we all know how well that turned out.
Down the rabbit hole.
I’m trying to take a deep breath, and recognize this as part of the grieving process. I’m on CD14 now and definitely seeing signs of ovulation. I’m having unprotected sex with my husband. I’m trying not to think about it.
My husband has a super easy time with this all. It’s super easy for him to stay totally detached from the process and he’s completely okay with us just not not trying and seeing what happens from now til menopause.
notsomuch here. SIGH.