Well, I’d like to be writing about how my year of peace and being comfortable in my lot in life was buzzing along nicely, but unfortunately as the year goes by I feel more of a twinge toward maaaaybe we can have just ONE more baby…just one more. It doesn’t help that my period was over a week late last cycle and we didn’t prevent so I kept peeing on sticks and one after the other was negative, negative, negative. The first time I was a bit relieved because I really didn’t want to pencil in another d&c anytime soon, but by the third I was annoyed and frustrated with my body. Eventually, AF did show and I was so relieved. It was a full week late.

During this time, I was at the end of my second round of whole30 and physically feeling pretty awesome. My skin was clear, I had a ton of energy, clear-headed, and working out 5-6 times a week. I’m a member of a large whole30 group on FB (in addition to a more personal one) and for some reason that week was the week for all the infertile women to share their non-scale victories of getting pregnant and it was so triggering for me.

Within the past week, I’ve suddenly been considering doing IVF again because I am crazy I guess. Last night, had they been open, I may have called for a consult. Do I want to go through the shots, appointments, surgery, stress, bloat, and worry again? Hell no. But this sort of trying but trying not to try because there’s not really such a great chance of it actually happening without assistance is kind of driving me crazy too. And also thinking well maybe if I just eat cleanly and exercise it will just happen on its own, but if it doesn’t what am I going to go do IVF again when I’m even older? Will I regret not doing it now? And how much of a chance is there that it would actually happen when I only got 3 embryos the first time when I was 29. And…they place a perfect blast in my ute in September and it didn’t work. And I was actually pregnant 9 months ago without any help at all and we all know how well that turned out.

Down the rabbit hole.

I’m trying to take a deep breath, and recognize this as part of the grieving process. I’m on CD14 now and definitely seeing signs of ovulation. I’m having unprotected sex with my husband. I’m trying not to think about it.

I’m failing.

My husband has a super easy time with this all. It’s super easy for him to stay totally detached from the process and he’s completely okay with us just not not trying and seeing what happens from now til menopause.

notsomuch here. SIGH.


5 thoughts on “Sigh.

  1. Yeah, even while TTC#1 Charlie was like that… so much easier for them to disconnect from it all for some reason. That’s so frustrating as the one who really wants it and can’t QUIT thinking about it. I hope and pray a little unprotected sex this month solves all of these feelings for you. It’s so hard to be in that limbo state. 😦

  2. OMG you’re in my brain. Seriously. Especially that last part about your husband just being okay with all the “not trying, but not preventing” crap. Same deal over here. I actually have a post that I wrote and didn’t publish because I was kind of embarrassed by it all. Maybe I’ll publish it after all… Basically it boils down to me thinking maybe I ovulated and maybe sex was timed right (not on purpose and in fact it sort of made me anxious but it was his birthday after all…) and now maybe I could possibly be pregnant, when the truth quite likely is that I didn’t even ovulate and even if I did I’m certainly not pregnant… ugh.

    Anyway, I’m sorry you’re struggling a bit with all this. What does your husband say about doing IVF again? I’d worry about regretting not trying for one more, if that’s what your heart truly wants… 😦 Hugs to you.

    Also, can I get a hookup into that huge W30 group? Is it a good resource? I mean nothing can beat the more intimate one of course, but I’ll take all the help I can get!!!

  3. Oh gosh…the cyclical thoughts that seem to go faster and faster and faster. I am not in the same place as you wrt to family building, but I remember. I remember with my chest, if that makes sense. The swirling weight of it. I wish there could just BE an answer for you – a way to know which side of the fence to jump down from rather than walk along it for who knows how long.

    I long for you to have the family you see in your heart, my friend. ❤

  4. “Trying not to think about it”…is never something an IFer is good at…I hear you. We’re having protected sex b/c I’m afraid of getting hurt (another d&c? and work issues) that I just need to rip off the band aid…but I don’t want to think about it, yet it’s always on my mind. This blows.
    My opinion is, do whatever you feel is necessary to have no regrets. You can, with full heart, say, “we tried IVF, I became healthier, etc.”…until you exhaust everything and at the end of the day, you know, you did everything you possibly could to bring baby #3 into your family. It’ll be trying but you’re ever so strong. Hugs!!!

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