I must have injured a muscle in the upper outer quadrant of my right buttocks from all those projesterone in oil shots during the FET in September. For about 2-3 weeks after my last shot, there was a sharp, shooting pain in each and every step I took with my right leg. Then it faded to mildly uncomfortable while walking, but still noticeable. Then walking felt fine, but I could feel strong pain when I ran or attempted butt kicks or jumping jacks. Just this past week, finally, I can do jumping jacks with just the slightest hint of pain.
My pregnant sister hosted a surprise 40th birthday on NYE for her husband. As people booze and drank and carried on in the conference room of the hotel she rented, I peed on a stick in our hotel room down the hallway as I had no idea when my period should be arriving but knew it should be here or be here soon.
It was negative, of course, and I rolled my eyes at myself for even flirting with the possibility. (My period made its arrival on new year’s day.) We celebrated Christmas with my family the next day and my Mom gifted my sister a few small things for her upcoming bundle. I shook off the random thoughts of the baby that might have been born this month, but isn’t, and hardly considered the failed FET.
I wish I could have the types of pregnancies my sister does – she’s 10 weeks along and buying diaper bags, researching double strollers, and looking forward to a third baby while I know I would still be holding my breath, counting the days til an ultrasound or a “safer” zone. She hasn’t been to the doctor yet and she’s blissfully looking forward to her first appointment and won’t have an ultrasound until about 12 weeks. But it’s not like that for me and I’m not sure I want to go through another trying anxiety inducing 40 weeks.
My son held his 10 month old cousin, fed her a bottle, and sang to her sweetly. He pushed her on a scooter around and around my parents house so carefully. Kate touched her little feet and held her and said “you’re cute!” but neither of them thankfully requested that we add another baby to our family. Last year, L would ask daily where his second baby is, he wanted TWO babies not just one. I told him this year tearfully at the end of 2015 that the doctor said there wouldn’t be any more babies in mommy’s tummy and he hasn’t asked since.
Kate decided that with the new year, diapers are now a thing of the past. Which is awesome stuff, but unfortunately she had a stomach bug her first full day in underwear and OH MY GAWD the laundry. We trudged on, and she’s now on her 3rd full day in undies! I’m so, so proud of my sweet girl and for the first time I’m so pumped to ditch the baby stuff.
I’m not feeling bittersweet about getting rid of the cloth diapers. It feels like so far in the past now, those newborn squish days. I’m getting comfortable that these are my only two and our family is past that baby stage. And it’s OK to be done and move forward. The older Kate gets, the more I feel like our family is complete. I’m not sure if I’m ready to start preventing, but I am considering it more and more.
I setup a tripod and perched my DSLR on it, hit the timer, then stood in my underwear in broad daylight in my living room while it snapped progress photos of my 4 weeks into BBG. I start my second Whole30 Sunday.
Here’s to 2016: the year of finding peace with where I am in life and being comfortable in my own skin.