Monday evening I put my big ole box of drugs, the pages and pages of medication instructions and warnings, the FET schedule, the sharps box, and stashed them underneath the sink and out of sight.
I ripped those estrogen patches off of my stomach quickly and angrily, ignoring the big black circles of adhesive they left behind next to the old 4 patches on my stomach and the 8 on my ass that I hadn’t bothered scrubbing off yet.
I drank 4 beers and felt sorry for myself. I watched the voice. I thought about all the baby gear I need to get rid of. The carriers, the toys, the bouncer, the exersaucer, the walker.
This morning, I got up and inspected my sad, deflated, defeated body in the mirror. The leftover black circles dotting my stomach and butt. The red bumps from the progesterone in oil shots in my upper outer ass that suddenly itched terribly. The stretch marks from Kate’s pregnancy. The smaller, soft, saggy breasts from nursing both of my sweet babies.
I showered and I cried as I finally took the time to scrub and scrub the leftover adhesive off my skin from the estrogen patches. It felt good to be free of it. To be done with it. To clear the medicine that had been on my bathroom counter since August out of sight and out of mind.
I didn’t feel like myself as I started to tearfully, slowly put myself back together after my shower. Why bother with the mascara, I thought, I’ll just cry it off. I dried and styled my hair. I put on makeup including the mascara because you know what. fuck it. It helped me feel alive and rested and put together. And I didn’t cry the rest of the day.
I took my kids to an apple orchard and plucked delicious jonagolds from the trees and soaked in the warm autumn air. I snapped pictures and captured some great ones with our good friends. I felt lucky, so lucky to spend today with them.
I went to a mom’s night in and painted a painting and chatted happily. Emotionally, I’m doing okay. I was afraid after the FET failed I’d feel one last push to try just one more time, but nope. Not even a hint of a desire to do that.
This FET was really hard on my body. I know most people say that it’s so much easier than a fresh cycle, but man the length of this FET and the hormones really sucked. The birth control made me gain 10 lbs. The lupron gave me hot flashes and headaches. The PIO shots left my butt really sore that each step was painful. (I attempted to run again today and ouch. no, not yet). I’m waiting now to start bleeding but I’ve decided that as much I want to exercise this out my body is telling me to wait. I want to get out there and run and lift and feel alive again, but I think I’m going to wait a bit. Walking, ok, yoga ok, but I’ve got to wait on the heavy stuff.
Anyway. One day at a time. Today was a good day ❤
Mellow in the Midwest 
I felt like this in February after our last chance shot failed. It was hard on my body too I feel like it’s only just started to recover. But I had this deep knowing that I couldn’t do IVF morning. I would love another child so much but not through IVF. No more. My heart goes out to you – we should all have the families we desire x
Abiding with you. Sending love and light.
This post made me sigh and smile, all at the same time. One day at a time is all you can do, and I’m grateful that today (yesterday?) was a good day. I hope today is another good one. ((HUGS))
One day at a time, that’s all you can do. And know, while you feel and are at a low point, that I think you’re brave and think of you very highly. It takes a lot of guts to do what you did.
One foot in front of the other, right? Sounds so easy. You’ll get there, and you’re already headed in the right direction!
I’m glad today was a good day, but you are right that you just have to take one day at a time. Sounds like you are being good to your body and listening when it’s telling you to slow down and take some time for yourself.
Keep treating yourself gently – this is a painful road. You are doing wonderfully. I was so sorry to hear this outcome.
(((Hugs))). I’m so sorry that your beta was negative.