A month has flown by once again since the last time I posted. It’s been a busy time and I’ve been feeling mostly good. The kids were in quite a bit of preschool daycamp over the summer and it’s given me that little bit of freedom and head-clearing time that I was craving. For three weeks in a row, they went to camp from 9-12 Tu/Th and it was awesome to go running, to barre, to coffee with a good friend, or shopping sans kids. It was so relaxing, so much so that I’m sending Kate to preschool there 8:45-12:15 every Wednesday when school starts back up.. She’s loved it too.
This loss is different than the others as I don’t think I should be X weeks along now on the regular or flinch and tear up when I see 5 million pregnant women at target (ok, it was only 10. but it felt like a million). What does one do when they have two kids and three early pregnancy losses? I could sit and lick my wounds and try to heal some more, but the reality is my pregnancy stats will always be terrible, that’s my history. I know it can work, I can carry to term or have another early loss (or another loss scenario). At this point, I don’t think I can really be in a better frame of mind than “whatever is going to happen is going to happen and I’ll be okay with it.” Which is where I’m at now, so, yea, we’re just moving ahead with this.
I had an FET consult with my RE last Thursday morning (who I’ve been going to since the tender age of 26 (I’m now 32)). She smiled widely when we entered her office and said she felt like she’s known us forever. The office was different, the clinic moved down the street to a newer building with better parking, but much of the staff was unchanged. She agreed that moving forward with the transfer was a fine next step and explained the BCP/Lupron / estrogen patch / PIO protocol I’ll be on. We have a 50/50 chance of our lone frozen embryo taking.
I happened to be on CD4 at my consult, so that went ahead and did baseline u/s and bloodwork. I started BCPs Friday and a giant box of meds will be arriving on my doorstep this Thursday. The doc recommended I wean Kate, as we were down to one session a day anyway, we went for it. I fed her for the last time on Friday afternoon. She asks in the morning (“milky, mama, peas”) but is easily redirected to a bottle and some snuggles.
The FET process is happening pretty quickly and to be honest I feel pretty removed from the process. I guess it will stay that way until the first time I have to start injecting meds into my belly or buttocks.
I’ve told my sister and a few friends that we’re moving ahead with the FET in mid-Sept and mostly they respond with “that’s exciting! are you excited?”. I mean. No, not really. It’s a chance. It’s a possibility. Mostly I am ready to close this chapter and put it behind us, whatever the end happens to be. Yes, I hope it works, of course. But it’s stressful, there are no guarantees, and it takes a lot out of you.
I plan to enjoy the summer, pop BCPs and prenatals daily (and now extra Vitamin D since that came back low) and cruise through the next month or so until the transfer. Here we go.