Always something different

Thanks for all your kind comments, friends. In my last post, I thought I was miscarrying naturally and it would be over soon. I cramped an bled off and on for a few days, but it never amounted to much, not even as much as a regular period. I had betas Monday, Wednesday, and Friday of last week. The first was 380, then 430, then 410. Memorial Day weekend rolled around and the spotting lessened.

By Monday the bleeding was nothing and I took a HPT that was still glaringly positive. Monday night I was having some slight pain and drove myself to the ER to get checked out, worried again it was ectopic since we never did see a sac in my uterus at the OB on Wednesday. After 4 hours of waiting, the tech there confirmed a small empty sac (no fetal pole or yolk sac) and sent me home with paperwork on a “threatened miscarriage” and said it could still just be too early. 

My betas at the ER were still in the mid-400s. Hcg doesn’t sit at the same number for weeks in early pregnancy, nor was this incredibly early. Both my LMP and first positive HPT showed that I should be well over 6 weeks and there was no way this pregnancy was going to result in an actual baby. I knew that. 

I played hooky on Tuesday, trekked it downtown to visit the lovely Josey and her sister in Chicago. It was such a welcome distraction and so good to visit blog friends. I was early for my return train, enjoying a beer in union station when my doctor called to discuss next steps. A d&c or methotrexate. 

On Wednesday, my doctor confirmed the empty sac and another mid-400s hcg. I decided I preferred a d&c so I didn’t have to wean Kate because of this whole ordeal,  shorter time to be able to try again, and shorter time to hcg <1.

The procedure was Friday around noon. General anesthesia is an amazing thing. I’m so glad I wasn’t conscious during the procedure. I thought I might wake up,sobbing, feeling hallowed out, emptied. Mostly, I’ve been ok. I hope this is the end. I can deal with clarity, finality, but please, no more loop-de-loops. I’m sad, of course I am. But it is different this time that I know my body can carry a baby to term. a lot of the self-blame I felt with my previous losses is gone. But it still isn’t easy. 

Physically, I feel pretty good. A bit crampy, but I haven’t bled much and haven’t taken any pain medicine since my iv meds around noon yesterday.

I feel like I played with fire and I got burned. My moms reaction: “well, did you have help this time or did it just happen?” As if I had help it was my fault or I shouldn’t try that hard anymore. “You have a boy and a girl now. You don’t need to do that again.” Okay, I guess I shouldn’t tell her about the possible future grandchild frozen in Chicago?
I should have pathology results by Monday to confirm that it was pregnancy tissue they got, and if not another beta and possibly mtx. Cross your fingers that this is the end of this saga.

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12 thoughts on “Always something different

  1. That’s like the most unhelpful reaction EVER from your Mom. I’m so sorry. 😦

    Ugh, what an ordeal this turned into. I’m glad we were able to meet up on Tuesday for a bit of a distraction at least. I pray your beta drop to zero quickly…

  2. Ugh. I’m sorry you have to go through all that Al. That is rough. The only thing worse than a miscarriage is a miscarriage that won’t resolve. I hope you get some closure soon so you can do the harder work of healing emotionally. Sending love.

  3. Why do some mothers feel the need to point out what they feel are “the positives” at entirely the wrong time? My mom is the same way with everything – we’ve never been allowed to grieve anything because she’s always forcing us to look at the positives, or count our blessings, or telling us how our situation is “just a blip” compared to people with real problems. (My first failed IVF and the subsequent miscarriage were “small potatoes” compared to real problems.)

    I’m sorry you had to go through this for so long. My missed miscarriage was similar with steady or just slightly rising betas and just wanting someone to call it. I wish it had been different for you.

    Hugs.

  4. Moms…totally nailing it. I think IF and loss is talked about more now in the news & with friends, that the older generation (my Mother included) have reactions like this. Not excusable whatsoever, but still…come on, Mom.

    A loss is a loss. It should be dealt with like all other losses, with grieving and acceptance.

    Keeping you in my thoughts.

  5. I am really sorry to hear everything that you’ve been through in the past few weeks. I hope your appointment yesterday confirmed that you can move forward and continue to heal physically and emotionally.

  6. Now, at the tail end, I am glad there is some closure for you after this whole horrid mess. I am so sorry for this earthquake and all its aftershocks. I hope you find yourself on firmer ground soon, and know you have so many hands to help keep you steady. XOXO

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