not meant to be

I found out I was pregnant a week ago Monday, May 11th. I called my OB and made an appointment after 8 weeks per their suggestion, and tried to get an earlier appointment at the RE, who said that they wouldn’t see me. I tried to hold tight, to be the “normal” pregnant patient for a while, but started spotting and cramping a bit yesterday. I called my OB back and talking to the nurse who agreed to send me to the local lab for beta blood work.

I got those results today and they are not good, HCG is 380 (very low for 5w3d) and progesterone is 3 (it should be over 20). I had a bad feeling about this since yesterday, so I was not surprised, but still gutted at the news. This will be my 3rd loss.

I…I’m just sad. You know what they say if it feels too good to be true, it probably is? I feel like I should have known better, and of course this wasn’t meant to be. It was too easy.

Today is my son’s fourth birthday, I am trying to wipe the tears away, to focus on him and make this day the happiest it could possibly be for him. He saw me crying and asked me what’s wrong, the best I could manage was “sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to, and it makes you sad.” He must have thought that answer was adequate, he didn’t ask again. The details would gut him if he knew it was a possible baby – another sibling that he asks for often.

This is not that little one. There may never be another baby in our family, and it will be ok. There is still the frostie, the little shred of hope that someday, maybe. I can’t quite think about that, all that work, money, effort just for a shot, and perhaps just to experience yet another loss.

two out of five. more losses that successes. I try to focus on the two, they’re everything. I am so lucky to have them, to be a mom.

But it is still hard to lose another baby. I’m still sobbing on my sofa while my two kids thank god are taking an extremely rare double nap, snot and tears running down my face as I try to type this out. It will be okay, but it might be pretty hard for a little bit here.

Need to move self care up on the priority list a bit and give me a bit of time to grieve and process this. Anyway. I don’t know how to end this. It will be okay, one foot in front of the other. I have an ultrasound tomorrow to confirm everything, but I feel it in my core that it’s over. I hope for the best case scenario here, that it’s not ectopic and the tissue passes naturally and the hcg levels fall quickly.

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16 thoughts on “not meant to be

  1. Gosh darn it. I’m heartbroken for you.

    In regards to the frozen cycle, it’s much easier and cheaper than a fresh cycle, so don’t spend time worrying about that. But I do understand worrying about it not working. I worried a lot about that before we were told we were done. I worried that we’d end our family building on a bad note. I’m sure you’re worried about the same thing. I ache for you… This is really, really hard. So much hope in one little frosty.

    Thinking of you….

  2. I am so sorry. This is totally heartbreaking and unfair. I get this feeling, being so lucky only to be so very unlucky. Having more losses than living children. It sucks.

  3. Oh, Al. I am so so so sorry. This was such a surprise and such a gift, I had every hope that it would work out perfectly. We’re here to listen whenever you need to talk. Many many hugs.

  4. We’re here for you, listening and thinking about you. Pregnancy loss is so gut wrenching. Even more so when it happens to an IFer. You’re in my thoughts. And yes, much needed self-care and time to grieve is in order. Hugs!

  5. Many hugs to you. It’s gutting and heart-wrenching and nothing anyone says can ever take the pain away. I get it. I’m 1 for 2 in pregnancies…but 1 for 5 in IVF cycles. May you find some peace in the smiles of L & K…in their hugs and snuggles…and know that you are in my thoughts.

  6. So sorry about your loss.

    p.s. Found you on Twitter and I’m sorry that I’m barging in reading your blog for the first time during this. Hang in there.

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