watching the ball drop

On New Year’s Day 2015, I received an email from WordPress titled “A Year in Blogging” or something to that effect. I chuckled a bit, as 2014 was anything but a year of blogging for me. It might be called the Year of the Yoga Pants, or Half finished books or half finished and never published blog posts or the year of being half awake, or the year of no cheese or the year of lukewarm coffee. Definitely not a year of blogging

Compared to my previous years of near-daily blogging – for building relationships and for sifting through all of the hard emotional shit that infertility threw my way via writing, blogging was my therapy. My cozy home, the place I have felt the most comfortable. Me with my fuzzy socks, a crackling fire, and a cuppa something that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside (whether that was a glass of wine, a margarita, or a cup of hot chocolate was purely dependent on the current state of my uterus or if I was still processing a dose of MTX). me and my thoughts and my close virtual friends.

Anyway. Blogging is no longer that comfy niche for me, but a blank screen with a big question mark. I place I am still unsure of what I’m okay with saying. Obviously there is still a story going on over here, but whose story is it, anymore? Most of my trials and tribulations these days have to do with others – my husband, my kids, my in-laws, or siblings, or parents. I’ve realized when I come here, everything I want to say seems to be someone else’s story, and this is the year where I feel I’ve lost myself in the shuffle of taking care of everything and everyone else and just doing.

This isn’t meant to be a poor me type post nor am I proclaiming myself a martyr at all, I’m admitting my failure to put self-care or self worth on the priority list. With all the balls i’m keeping in the air, I’ve let my own ball, my sense of self fall. In between the 4 loads of laundry every other day, the preschool shuffling, grocery shopping, bill-paying, dog, kid, and husband care, I’ve left myself an unshowered, dishevelved mess. I’ve noticed lately that when I’m out without the kids I have very little to talk about aside from them. There is nothing else to really talk about. I’ve left my own life, loves, and interests fade to the background so much that they’re no longer discernible. I know it’s a common pitfall of motherhood.

I want to bring me back into focus again. I’m not much on resolutions as I feel they’re just sources of guilt and shame in the end. I’ll call these more areas of focus and they’re probably a near-copy of a list I’ve written up in the past, but I’d like to stick to these more and plan to revive this blog as a way to track my status, provide a bit of accountability.

Hobbies: There’s a whole host of things I’m interested in but never fully commit to.

  • Photography has been a real passion since we bought our Canon DSLR a couple of years ago. I’d like to focus on that and I’m planning to attempt some newborn shots of my new niece (due in Feb) and Leopold’s 4 year (how is he 4? gulp.) session.
  • Sewing.
  • Exercise. I’d like to at least do a 10K this year, if not further. Lift more. More Barre. Feel better in my clothes. (I’d love to drop 20 lbs, but I don’t want to focus on the number so much as just feeling stronger and eating healthier).
  • Gardening. This will be our first summer at our new house with ample land for a garden, but I’d like to start small this year to succeed on a small scale rather than fail grandly. Suggestions on how to start appreciated this will be my first adult attempt aside from an ill-fated tomato plant in a topsy-turvy grower at our old townhome.


  • With my husband. Dates. one a month, at least. In or out of the house. The best times we’ve had recently were late nights with a bottle (or two) of wine in our built for two bathtub with jets. Best new home feature. But the book or the phone down at the end of the day and have more fulfilling conversations
  • With my family. Make it a point to spend time one on one with my Mom and my sister, and my family as a whole.
  • With myself. This one I think is the toughest as it’s harder to track. I guess blogging more would be a great start, but I have a tough time coming up with topics, to be honest. Parenthood is not something I’m great at writing about and I wish I had a solid idea of what my long term plan is, when my re-entry to the workforce will be and how I can prepare myself for that, especially with the FET this year (hopefully, if my pap comes back normal in February at the retest…).
  • With my kiddos. I spend a LOT of time with them as a stay at home mom, but I want to spend more quality one on one time when I can instead of chasing them around barking orders and nagging them to brush their teeth, get dressed, put your shoes on FOR THE LOVE. etc.

I hope to revive myself a bit this year by the time the ball drops on this year, I’d like to feel more comfortable in my own skin and satisfied with my personal growth.

Do you make new year’s resolutions?


13 thoughts on “watching the ball drop

  1. I love your list, especially since a lot of it reminds me of areas I need to focus on myself. That jetted tub for two with a couple bottles of wine? Sounds divine! I was just thinking last night after the upteen-millionth fight with my husband that we SO need a date night away from the stress of kids and life. I look forward to more blogging from you again! My blog definitely helps me feel held more accountable for health & fitness and life stuff.

  2. I relate to so much of this… So much. I think staying home with the kids speeds up the “losing oneself to motherhood” thing. I don’t like lunching with my working friends anymore because all they talk about is work, and when I talk about what I do, they literally act like they do all the same things, but in half the time. I can’t take it anymore. We can’t talk on a common mom level because they gave NO idea what it’s like spending 9 hours a day SOLO with their kids. They get to divvy up the load with their husbands when they do have their kids after work and on weekends, and they can rely on daycare so they can go to the doctor, or get their hair cut. So I’ve lost touch with them, because I’m just tired of it. They nod their heads like they get it, but then say, “can’t you just get a sitter while you get your hair cut?”. Ummm… No… Not mid-day!

    I took on my self care in June and it’s been liberating. I leave my kids at the Y daycare for an hour so I can run, lift weights, attend a class, etc. Even if I’m not in the mood, I’ll do it just to get me time. I run at home, outside, do resistance bands, WHATEVER once a day to keep strong and bring focus to myself. Hottie supports this as he’s been there himself. It’s important!

    Find some sitters STAT! I picked one up at our favorite pizza place two weeks ago and she’s awesome! We leave the kids with a real sitter twice a month, and with his folks once a month so we can go out together. It’s expensive, but worth it. Best thing we’ve done to focus on us!

    I wonder about work too. I’m watching a friend try to get back into the work force after taking 11 years off. It’s not going great. Hottie thinks I’ll stay home and volunteer or get a less stressful job once the kids are in school, so we’ll see. So many factors go into this decision (primarily where they’ll go to school). I will admit, I’d love having my income back, or 60% or so of it.

    I don’t make resolutions. I make 10 week goals for fitness and 1-2 month goals for my relationships. That works for me. A year is too daunting!

    Good luck with the FET. Reading that gave me a lump in my throat for you. Going back to IF treatments is always hard. Thinking if you…

    • I really like the idea of 10 week goals for fitness. Being that this is winter and money is really tight (C’s car broke down recently, we had to buy a snowblower, i got a flat tire, water pipe burst w emergency call to plumber etc…) I can’t get a sitter. I’d love to, but I just can’t finanically do it right now. I think my best bet is to get some workout videos and do them 2-3 times a week and get into a weight routine at home 2x a week too. We have a set of power blocks (adjustable weights) that I really need to get into). any suggestions on routine I can do at home with those.

      Yea. the FET. hmph. I keep pushing the schedule back in my head, but I’m still thinking I want to get it in the second half of this year. I guess that means I have 6 months to get a move on (quite literally) this body overhaul. I got on the scale this morning and it was NOT GOOD. UGH.

      • Have you heard of INSANITY? It is awesome and people sell the DVDs used on craigs list. I have 3 routines written down (I do it at a class at the Y) that I could send you. No equipment needed, and I burn 10-11 calories a minute, so it’s like a good, fast run! I credit it for a lot of my current strength and tone, not to mention endurance.

        I told Brian about my reaction to your FET and he shuddered at the thought. So stressful. We wish you so much luck!

  3. The list is great! I find it hard, when out with The Hubs, to not talk about the kids. SO hard to to do…but that’s one things we’re focusing on…more we/me time. Plan a girls weekend, if you can. I just planned my first weekend away, ever, with the kids and Husband…and I’m so freaking excited.
    2015 is going to rock.

  4. I too can relate to so much of this post. JJ and I often wonder what we did with our time before kids and I’ve realized for me, crafting and baking are my ways relax. I’m actually working on two projects right now for the house and we got lots of baking time in (kids included occasionally) for the holidays.

    I gave JJ a year of dates for his birthday. Of course it was a month before we moved so we’ve slacked a little, but I’m hopeful we’ll pick up this month and finish out strong throughout the rest of the year. I wish we had better childcare options because I hate the added expensive of a babysitter just to go on a date. I say just like it isn’t important – I realize now it’s super important to keep your relationship strong and a priority, but ya know, money doesn’t grow on trees. 🙂

    I don’t make resolutions either, but I love the list you came up with. I want to spend more time with my friends. I went to a craft night in December and had so much fun! We are hosting our own craft party where the lady comes to us next month and I can’t wait!

    • I love baking too and house projects. All of the house projects I’m REALLY passionate about are outdoors, but there’s a lot to do inside too. I should make a goal of hanging pics we already have in one room each month or so to start getting on this because a little goes a long way to make the new place feel like home.

      Totally with you on the dates being too expensive! Our goal when we moved in was a bath once a month because it’s cheap and really well intimate, you know? You can’t pick up your phone and zone off in the tub. just the two of us and wine. so hopefully we can at least do that a couple times a month, because we won’t be going out together much with all of the unexpected expenses in the new year.

  5. As you recently said to me, I relate to so much of this! Winter, man. It’s such a drag! Gardening REALLY helped me find myself again this past summer, and I am quite excited for you to get out there at your new place, especially now that some of that crazy brush has been cut back. Can’t wait to see/hear about your projects out there.

    Okay. Fitness. The only thing I know for sure about fitness is that I hate doing it before and I love doing it after it’s finished. It improves my overall well-being, which pays dividends everywhere else. I also know that can be daunting to fit in. I have recently started just doing a video while the kids are awake and milling about, rather than waiting for them to be sleeping. HGB loves to watch and give a running commentary, and Mal is a fan of trying to do the moves. I love that they see me do it, modelling health and self-care. I am not into scheduling or measurements either, but I stick to a plan of workout-yoga-rest-repeat. I think you have the 30 Day Shred video? I am doing that and A.M. Yoga for Your Week. Josey and I are keeping each other going on What’s App. Happy to send you my workout pics too as a motivator and vice versa! I know it is really helping me get my butt in gear. Never thought I would be a fitness person, but it is starting to trend that way. Weird.

    (Re: weights at home. I only have 3# hand weights. Otherwise, I use soup cans! I am also getting into Ripped in 30, which has neat exercises using your own body weight as resistance. I’m trying not to buy stuff that I’m afraid will gather dust 😉 )

    • Your fitness plan sounds perfect, honestly. I really can’t wait til nap-time, either, as it’s random and never long enough, and I’d prefer to use the time to shower and actually dry my hair.. I rented the 30 day shred a while back, but I’m about to buy it on DVD. I was streaming workout videos anymore because we have internet, but it’s capped and streaming gobbles it up. So. I will buy these it’s $7 and a great investment. Is this the AM Yoga for your week you’re using?

      I love the barre class I go to too, but I”m just so bummed about that last time I went, spending all that money and then not getting a workout in. I need to try Kate there again, or I could try to go on the weekend when C could watch the kids for a couple of hours, but it’s not enough on it’s own. I think I’ll add it to the rotation, as yoga.

      I have some awesome powerblock adjustable weights, but no idea what routine to use them. I also have child weights in 27 and 45 lb increments that I could use some how. heh. It’s been ages since I’ve lifted but I’d love to get back to it..the scale was not kind this morning.

      Okay, so you and Jos trade pics on What’s App? Is it called WhatsApp Messenger on droid? I need accountability. BAD! I feel so … as you say, squishy. and i hate it.

      • Yes! That is the one. Our TV goes through a miniMac, so BJB burned the DVD to it, and then I can access it from my laptop elsewhere in the house. I have no idea how he did this, but I feel like you and C have computer skillz! Definitely invest in these two videos (you know you like the Shred, and I like AM Yoga because each one is focussed and about 26 minutes – and not restricted to the morning!). I find the”schedule” that I am doing gentle, slow, but effective. Starting to see the hints of muscle tone, and BJB even made a comment about my arms the other day!

        Yep. That’s the app! I use it as ‘free texting’ with US peeps now that I am not on Twitter anymore. We’ll need to exchange phone # via email to link up with it. YAY! 🙂

  6. I don’t do resolutions either because then I just feel guilty. But I DO want to get back ME! I’m thinking of joining Planet Fitness (I can find $10/month) and going while my 5year old is at school. I work full time, but I work at home, so I don’t have many people around to have adult conversations with.

    Where are you located? If I remember correct you were in Chicagoland? Would you be willing to kid swap? Kind of a I take your kids this Saturday and you take mine next? I do that now with one couple…but they are moving so I’m losing my free babysitter!

  7. Pingback: One month in – progress | Mellow in the Midwest

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