On New Year’s Day 2015, I received an email from WordPress titled “A Year in Blogging” or something to that effect. I chuckled a bit, as 2014 was anything but a year of blogging for me. It might be called the Year of the Yoga Pants, or Half finished books or half finished and never published blog posts or the year of being half awake, or the year of no cheese or the year of lukewarm coffee. Definitely not a year of blogging
Compared to my previous years of near-daily blogging – for building relationships and for sifting through all of the hard emotional shit that infertility threw my way via writing, blogging was my therapy. My cozy home, the place I have felt the most comfortable. Me with my fuzzy socks, a crackling fire, and a cuppa something that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside (whether that was a glass of wine, a margarita, or a cup of hot chocolate was purely dependent on the current state of my uterus or if I was still processing a dose of MTX). me and my thoughts and my close virtual friends.
Anyway. Blogging is no longer that comfy niche for me, but a blank screen with a big question mark. I place I am still unsure of what I’m okay with saying. Obviously there is still a story going on over here, but whose story is it, anymore? Most of my trials and tribulations these days have to do with others – my husband, my kids, my in-laws, or siblings, or parents. I’ve realized when I come here, everything I want to say seems to be someone else’s story, and this is the year where I feel I’ve lost myself in the shuffle of taking care of everything and everyone else and just doing.
This isn’t meant to be a poor me type post nor am I proclaiming myself a martyr at all, I’m admitting my failure to put self-care or self worth on the priority list. With all the balls i’m keeping in the air, I’ve let my own ball, my sense of self fall. In between the 4 loads of laundry every other day, the preschool shuffling, grocery shopping, bill-paying, dog, kid, and husband care, I’ve left myself an unshowered, dishevelved mess. I’ve noticed lately that when I’m out without the kids I have very little to talk about aside from them. There is nothing else to really talk about. I’ve left my own life, loves, and interests fade to the background so much that they’re no longer discernible. I know it’s a common pitfall of motherhood.
I want to bring me back into focus again. I’m not much on resolutions as I feel they’re just sources of guilt and shame in the end. I’ll call these more areas of focus and they’re probably a near-copy of a list I’ve written up in the past, but I’d like to stick to these more and plan to revive this blog as a way to track my status, provide a bit of accountability.
Hobbies: There’s a whole host of things I’m interested in but never fully commit to.
- Photography has been a real passion since we bought our Canon DSLR a couple of years ago. I’d like to focus on that and I’m planning to attempt some newborn shots of my new niece (due in Feb) and Leopold’s 4 year (how is he 4? gulp.) session.
- Exercise. I’d like to at least do a 10K this year, if not further. Lift more. More Barre. Feel better in my clothes. (I’d love to drop 20 lbs, but I don’t want to focus on the number so much as just feeling stronger and eating healthier).
- Gardening. This will be our first summer at our new house with ample land for a garden, but I’d like to start small this year to succeed on a small scale rather than fail grandly. Suggestions on how to start appreciated this will be my first adult attempt aside from an ill-fated tomato plant in a topsy-turvy grower at our old townhome.
- With my husband. Dates. one a month, at least. In or out of the house. The best times we’ve had recently were late nights with a bottle (or two) of wine in our built for two bathtub with jets. Best new home feature. But the book or the phone down at the end of the day and have more fulfilling conversations
- With my family. Make it a point to spend time one on one with my Mom and my sister, and my family as a whole.
- With myself. This one I think is the toughest as it’s harder to track. I guess blogging more would be a great start, but I have a tough time coming up with topics, to be honest. Parenthood is not something I’m great at writing about and I wish I had a solid idea of what my long term plan is, when my re-entry to the workforce will be and how I can prepare myself for that, especially with the FET this year (hopefully, if my pap comes back normal in February at the retest…).
- With my kiddos. I spend a LOT of time with them as a stay at home mom, but I want to spend more quality one on one time when I can instead of chasing them around barking orders and nagging them to brush their teeth, get dressed, put your shoes on FOR THE LOVE. etc.
I hope to revive myself a bit this year by the time the ball drops on this year, I’d like to feel more comfortable in my own skin and satisfied with my personal growth.
Do you make new year’s resolutions?