I had my weekly OB appointment this morning. Thankfully I am healthy and my body is doing great with being extremely pregnant – my blood pressure was a beautiful 100/60, no protein in urine, I lost a pound, fundal height is right on track measuring 38 weeks (by no means do I think this means an average sized baby as Leopold measured right on nearly every week and was 9#5 at 39 weeks), and baby’s heartbeat sounded great. Baby is still head down, though she gave us a little scare when the doc couldn’t find her head right away and only found it down on the second, longer external check.
Then it was time for my first internal check to see if anything is happening down there – and the answer is not much. I am maybe a fingertip dilated right now, the same as I was at this point in pregnancy with Leopold. This is what I expected and mentally tried to prepare myself for, but i am still bummed out. I wish so much that I would have heard “wow, you’re nearly 2 centimeters already!” It would have really shown me that things will be different – easier – this time around as I only made it to 3 cm after 24 hours of induction. If I don’t dilate before 41/42 weeks there’s really nothing that can be done and I’m heading for a repeat c-section. I toyed with the idea of NOT being checked today, but my acupuncturist said he has to know so he knows how to treat me at my next induction session with him (Thursday night).
I know it is still early, there is still time for things to happen, but I don’t understand why this can’t come more easily for me as it does for so many others. Why can’t I be the chick who spontaneously goes into labor at 38 weeks and after 5 hours pops out a baby? Why can’t I be the woman whose first check she’s 3 centimeters dilated and there’s no doubt things will happen it’s just a matter of when? Nope, I’m still the infertile pregnant hopeful VBACer whose cervix is locked up tight and we’ll just have to wait and wait and wait so more to see what will happen. I feel like I am at the end of a marathon and I still can’t see the finish line nor do I have any idea if it’s an obtainable goal.
Yes, I will try to get my zen back and be patient and do my hypnobabies meditations and walk a million more miles, yadda yadda yadda I still have 4 more weeks. But I’m bummed and that’s okay for me to say – I’m frustrated. I thought more things were going on down there than last time. I’ve felt contractions, even if they are just Braxton Hicks, and some weird cervical sensations where it feels like something is pounding it’s way out on a few different occasions, I was hopeful that it all meant something was going on and the body was on it’s way. But so far, it’s deja vu of last time.
I do know that it’s a very good thing that I switched doctors, otherwise my old doctor would be trying to set me up for a repeat c-section already, I’d already be having weekly NSTs, and she would be scaring me into getting this baby out ASAP. A friend due the day before me goes to her and will be induced this Friday. I am happy I switched and I get this extra time to give my body a chance. whatever will be will be, I just have to roll with it. I am and I will, and I’ll do everything in my power to be in the right frame of mind and prepare physically for labor.
Deep breaths. I will meet my baby this month, one way or another, not much longer…I can do this.