It’s Monday morning on a beautiful, sunny day in May in Chicagoland. I’m catching up on blogs and while my nearly two year old son sits cross-legged in front of the tv watching Sesame Street. I’m shopping idly for 2nd birthday party decor of his favorite thing in the world right now – TRUCKS. Big huge construction trucks. Backhoe! Bulldozer! Skid steer! Crane! He loves all things trucks, his little chubby-cheeked face lights up and exclaims “DUMP IT OUT!” “BIG TRUCK!”.

I’m 17 weeks and one day pregnant. I’m pinching myself constantly, feeling like the luckiest bitch that ever walked the earth. Not only do I have a healthy adorable son running around calling me mom, but my stomach and breasts are swelling from the existence of my second child growing and thriving in my ute.

I feel so far from my trying journey lately. I feel disjointed, disconnected from my infertile self. Am I really the same girl who has had 3 cycles of unmonitored clomid, 3 cycles of clomid / IUI, 3 cycles of injectible / IUI, all with zero live babies to show for it? Am I really the girl who spent an evening at the ER and miscarried a precious, loved, tiny baby in the bathroom just before the ultrasound? Am I really the same girl who walked around for months afraid that an ectopic pregnancy would rupture? Do I get to claim my past still, or does my conceived without assistance 2 year old and my child growing in my uterus now after my first IVF cycle negate this history of loss and infertility? Does it all matter anymore?

I want to believe that I can forget about it. I want to believe that I can leave it all behind, that this struggle is behind us because I feel that’s what I need to do to regain some trust in my body. I need to trust my body to fight for a vaginal birth, I need to believe that it can do it.

But to do that, I feel like I have to act like infertility, loss, and the not so great labor and c-section experience were all no big deal. That they happened, yes, but it doesn’t mean that I’m broken or my body is less than.

Though it’s felt that way for so long. That’s why this birth thing is so friggin hard for me – it brings up every shred of doubt I have in my body. It did nothing last time to prepare for a birthing baby (I had zero contractions really before my induction at 39 w and an over 9 pound fetus in my uterus) – whether that’s because I was induced and the bod wasn’t ready, or things aren’t going to work, or Leopold was too big, I’ll never know. But I know that something didn’t work, though induction worked for most of my friends, okay – nearly ALL of them – but the ones who didn’t go into labor on their own.

Anyway, I just don’t know how to rationalize this all – to separate the failures of my reproductive system to get and stay pregnant with failing to give birth the way women have done for the entire existence of humanity and believing that somehow my body will get its act together and go into labor this time.

I simultaneously want to fight like hell for the birth I want which I feel necessitates a sort of denial of my past – and surrender to the fact that I have no control and I’ll probably end up with a c-section. It’s hard, complicated, emotional shit.

It’s not that I feel I don’t deserve to have the birth I want – because – damn, I DO, but I have such a hard time finding that trust in my body that I need to believe that things will go the way they should. It’s like any relationship, once that trust is gone it is hard, if not impossible, get it back.


9 thoughts on “trust

  1. This is so insightful, A. I’m sorry it’s so hard, and I’m here to help in any and every way that I can. Love you a lot…like, a lot.

  2. I really hope that the HB tracks help you to regain a little faith in your body. I truly believe that a lot of things in life are mind over matter – as in – we become what we tell ourselves. In this case – when you listen to the positive affirmations track day after day and hear a message about how you are STRONG and your body was MADE to do this… at first you’ll think “this is cheesy”…and then you’ll find yourself nodding along with conviction because YES, you CAN do this. I don’t know how your birth story will ultimately play out, but I pray that you’ll feel like a strong, confident woman when it is all said and done.

    Have you read this post? Might be helpful to you. A friend of mine who has a similar birth experience to you sent it to me and said she wishes she’d have read it 3.5 yrs ago when her daughter was born.

    Love you!

  3. This is such a personal struggle and I wish I had advice on how to help you cope with all the emotions. I really just hope for the birth experience this time around that you want and that maybe it will help put some of the negative pieces in the past for you. 17 weeks, yay!!

  4. I try not to think about my c-section too much because of all the emotions it brings up. But if/when we have another I will fight for the VBAC I want. But I will also actually prepare for a c-section this time, just in case. There is a movement for a family-centered or gentle c-section that allows for skin to skin and bf’ing in the OR. It might be something you want to look into.
    But I really really hope that you get the birth you want.

  5. I understand the feeling of distrust in your body. I feel/felt that way too for a long time, but I was also lucky to have my birth experience more or less help with that. I can imagine that it must be impossibly hard for you given your own birth experience. But I do think you’re doing the best you can – being the advocate for yourself and your family that you need.

    Also, I just have to say that IF, loss, and C/S were absolutely a big deal but they DON’T mean that you’re broken. Your body is not less than.

  6. I can really relate to this post. I think a lot of us who have gone through IF can relate. I agree with all of these other ladies though – you aren’t broken and you can do this.

  7. I do sometimes think wistfully about how much I missed the “birthing experience” by having an emergency c-section. And, knowing that I had a planned c-section scheduled (due to scarring located at a particularly bad point in my uterus) recommended by three separate doctors, I never felt like I got to have the “preparing to birth” experience that I’d always wanted, either. The whole thing always felt like a clinical experience. It was emotional but in more of a “stressful separation” kind of way not a “choir of angels, this is what I was meant to do” way. It kind of added to the feeling of disconnect. But, in the end, my boys are healthy and that’s what matters to me. Even if I do still feel broken.

    I hope you get the birth you want!

  8. Pingback: Doctor drama, or, VBACing it | Mellow in the Midwest

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