It’s the weird thing about infertility and loss isn’t it, that no matter what we went through to get pregnant that it feels like it was too easy. That pretty soon it will be stolen away from us and we will have to fight more. Or maybe that’s just me on my journey, with TTC number one being such a shit show of starts and stops of treatments and in my third first trimester I finally, FINALLY got my take home baby. I remember this feeling so incredibly well when I got surprisingly pregnant with Leopold, getting pregnant on vacation was way too easy and this little miracle would be ripped from me just like the other two. Of course it would. There was more to come, more to fight, because that’s what I did. I fought for my babies and then I lost them, then I mourned the loss and then I pulled myself back up and fought some more.
Nothing about this round of TTC was anything like the first. Getting pregnant seems much more difficult as my 0/3 IUI cycles show vs. 2/3 last time (even though both were losses). But still, even after going through IVF with all the things I put into it: the daily shots and near-daily appointments, the meditations, the yoga, the acupuncture, the diet…it all yielded 4 mature eggs, 3 embryos, 1 which was transferred and is hopefully still growing and thriving in my uterus and the other frozen for later use, the other that never made it to the blastocyst stage. It seems too lucky, too easy. Of course I want to believe that this is it, but I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I’m reminded how skewed my view of the world of getting pregnant is often. I sat across the table from my 14 weeks pregnant friend talking to my other friend about her advice on how to get pregnant. She said it took them 2 months for baby number 2 and 1 month for baby number one and “just have sex every day, even if you don’t want to!”. OH!!!! Is that all it takes and then you get pregnant and 9 months later you pop out a baby and you can do it all over again whenever you like? Holy crap! I had no idea.
I emailed my doctor to figure out what we learned from the cycle. She quickly replied: “We can discuss more in person when you are in for your pregnancy scans, but I believe the issue is with your ovarian reserve as evidenced by your elevated FSH levels and low response to simulation. Age trumps all, so despite few eggs, so far so good!” It stings, it does, but I knew. It was the working theory all along despite good AMH levels, DOR. I knew when I got the call that we only had 4 mature eggs that my ovarian response was definitely sub-par. especially as I watched other women’s cycles unfold on twitter (20 retrieved! 15 mature! 15 retrieved, 14 mature!) and women a decade older than me with similar retrieval results and more mature eggs.
I knew it wasn’t good during the cycle, but I decided to focus on the fact that we had embryos. Then we had one perfect embryo and I focused on the odds of that blast working out (I stared at this chart multiple times a day full of hope).
DOR is just so sad, I’ve known since I was 26 that my ovaries were losing eggs quickly, far more quickly than they should. “You’re so young! you have time!” everyone says. But I don’t, really. I have some time, but not much and no way of knowing how rapidly my egg supply is declining. This IVF cycle could have so easily fallen the other way with such a low ovarian response (check out this graph) and it still can. It’s so early still, maybe 5.5 weeks and so far to go. I can easily imagine a miscarriage, and then an unsuccessful FET, subsequent IVF cycles that aren’t so lucky….but I’m trying not to let my mind go there. I have no reason to believe things are not going well in there with Stanley, so I have to assume they are.
I know I am so incredibly lucky. Lucky to have married young and had a shot at kids at all, to have one child, to have fertility coverage,and that I have Carlos, a supportive and understanding spouse. And beyond lucky that I am pregnant. Beyond lucky. I am afraid though that was all too easy and will be quickly taken away and I’ll have to start over.
About 26.5 hours until my first pregnancy scan. Please cross your fingers for us that all looks good tomorrow. I will spend the rest of today distracting myself by spending time with my boy and running errands. Once again, lucky. 🙂
Did you all feel that it was too easy when you finally got pregnant that it would surely be taken away? Or is this only because I’ve been through both IF and loss?