Lovin’ my body

I’m feeling lately like I need to give my body I bit of love. So often in my past and ok, occasionally in the past week of waiting, I found myself thinking “why can’t my stupid body just work like it should?” “why can’t I get pregnant with ease like other women my age?”

But what this diet and last couple of months has taught me is that I need to take care of my body. Get back to being myself, centered, eat great things, exercise, feed it well. It may not be perfectly proportioned but it is tall, strong, healthy and capable.

It's kind of amazing that I can look in the mirror and not flinch. Feeling strong.

It’s kind of amazing that I can look in the mirror and not flinch, c-section scar, injection bruises, estrogen patches, and all. Feeling strong.

This body has carried me through a half-decade journey of family building attempts. Through good and bad times, through a successful pregnancy and unsuccessful ones. One foot in front of the other it has kept moving, though it has been bombarded with fertility medications, synthetic hormones, loss, grief, and pregnancy again. It bounced back after an ecoptic pregnancy and a miscarriage and kept going.



It eventually got pregnant without help and sustained another life for 9 months. Supported my son as he grew and thrived, until he was ready to come out. After he was born, it nourished him for another year-plus through breastfeeding. 


pregnant shot

Pregnant – 2011


I pushed it to carry me further to look stronger and leaner while running long distances this summer and I felt it become mine again. Mile after mile, it amazed me. It became stronger and I felt with each pounding of the pavement, that this body is amazing and reacting just as it should. Becoming stronger with each step and each run.

breastfeeding my baby

breastfeeding my baby

It feels like not only have I reclaimed my body, but it’s mine for the first time. I don’t care that it’s not perfect. While I was growing up, I was too insecure to see it for anything else than what others told me it was, waiting and fishing for a compliments from the opposite sex. I still enjoy the compliments from my husband, of course (who doesn’t ;)). this is me. This body no longer belongs to my child, it’s not here to excite men or entice them, it is mine and mine alone. I take care of it, feed it well, I am kind to it. I exercise. It continues to carry me through it all and aches to move forward. It carries me and my 30 plus pound of a hulk child wherever we need to go.

estrogen patches, injection bruises, and a c-section scar

estrogen patches, injection bruises, and a c-section scar

I am at peace with my body. It is not perfect, but it is strong and beautiful. It no longer feels broken or shameful, or that it has failed me. I am proud of it. It has carried me through this long road. It tolerated the long and torturous IVF process well. I am finally confident and comfortable in my own skin. Maybe it’s a part of growing up since I am nearly 30. Maybe it’s a part of this journey, making peace with the lot you’ve been dealt and pride in how your respond to it. I don’t see this as vain or provocative  it’s not about being attractive or pretty, it’s just being comfortable with who I am and what my body is capable of. Today, I am, and on the heels of an IVF cycle and still not knowing the outcome (no I have not POAS), I think that’s something pretty amazing.


17 thoughts on “Lovin’ my body

  1. You shout it girl!!! 🙂 What an awesome, powerful post. You look beautiful in every one of these photos and you are damn right to be so proud of your body that has brought you through so much and continues to carry you through. Loved this!

  2. This is an amazing post….absolutely amazing. I have NEVER in my life felt this way. I doubt I ever will. But it makes me smile to know you have achieved this. You are an inspiration to us all. Thank you so much for putting this out there…to give us all hope that we too one day can be comfortable in our own skin….You should not only be proud to have found this love for yourself, but be proud of being able to share it and in a way that inspires others. HUGS!!!

    PS good for you for not peeing on that stick.

  3. You are amazing. You are strong and obviously beautiful with this lovely soul and wonderful skill for the written word. And yes, you and your body are pretty amazing.

  4. This is how we all should view our bodies, as something to embrace not beat down any chance we get. Beautiful writing, beautiful pictures, and beautiful message. You go girl!!

  5. I can’t even tell you how much I love this. It’s so easy to hate our bodies as women, especially when we feel they failed us. Awesome. I especially love you claiming your body as yours and yours alone. I often feel overly claimed by my baby and my husband and hope to get to where you are.

  6. Dude, you are beautiful and badass strong. In every way. My gosh, the picture of L nursing…sigh…so lovely. I’m not sure exactly what it was–pregnancy, birthing, breastfeeding, all of it–but I gained such a respect for my body in the wake of those experiences. I still have moments where I grimace at the slowly deepening lines around my eyes and struggle with what to do with my hair and on and on…but they are just moments. Fleeting ones. I, too, am so proud of the things this body has done in its time.

    Good work, woman!

  7. I’m impressed with you, A. This is a wonderful post, but, beyond that, it is a wonderful place for you to be mentally. I am truly jealous as I have no reached anywhere near that kind of peace with my body yet. But I strive to find my way there someday. The first step is beginnging to treat it more kindly and that is something I am committed to from today.

    And I love how you say that your body became yours and yours alone. After the struggles with infertility, pregnancy, BFing, etc., it’s often hard to remember a time when you weren’t actively “giving” of yourself physically for another human being. And, as much as that is what you wanted and want, that doesn’t mean that it’s always easy or without sacrifice.

    In short, you rock.

  8. Dude, I’ve been saving this post in my reader to comment on it b/c it is SO freaking awesome. What a bad ass body you have!! I love the attitude you have about it right now, and the way you are thankful for all it has given you. I am still working on that part. 😛 Great post!

  9. Pingback: monthly theme post: body image | Mellow in the Midwest

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