2ww hamster brain

I thought that the wait between transfer and beta would be no big thing. I’ve had many, many, two week waits before in my TTC journey to date. Like, 39? It’s nothing new with IVF, right? I can zone. I can be all zen.

Wrong.

It’s a whole different ball game when you see the gorgeous embryo, this tiny ball of many cells filled with so potential. Then watch the embryo transferred into your uterus, transferred from the lab into its hopeful home and to its mother where it should be kept safe and sound for 9 months. I feel very protective and a lot of responsibility to that embryo, to create a safe, comfy, ute space for it to settle in. If we get a negative, it will feel like I have failed my potential child. My womb was somehow unwilling or unable to nurture and sustain the beautiful little life that we worked so hard to create.

Obviously there is nothing I can do to control whether or not things are going to work out. Of course, it’s not  my fault if things don’t work, it’s just bad luck, it’s falling on the wrong side of the statistics yet again. Sometimes these things just don’t pan out. I know my body is capable of getting and staying pregnant, but who knows if this embryo will take and grow to be our second child.

I am trying to stay busy, to pack our schedule full of lots of things, to bask in the hilarity and sweetness that is my now-20 month old son, but it does not quiet the ever-present inner dialogue of “am i or aren’t I?” for long. Sigh. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

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I’ve been trying to refocus my brain on all the things we are lucky to have regardless of the outcome of this cycle.

I know even if it’s negative, we will survive. Even if I get pregnant, and I miscarry or it’s ectopic, we will survive. We have Leopold, we can survive this.

We were lucky that we even had the chance to give IVF a shot, without fertility coverage / health insurance we likely wouldn’t have pursued this for years.

I have a consult setup with my RE for next Tuesday where she will hopefully shed some light on where and how severe our conception issues are based on how i responded, how my eggs looked, our embryos, fertilization rate etc. It’s weird to think how different the tone of that meeting will be based on Monday’s bloodwork results.

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I hate that I’m so trained and hardened by our infertility journey that I can’t let myself believe that this embryo will grow our future take-home baby, even for this short 10 day wait. I have glimmers of great hope that this will work out, I do. But it feels too easy still, that this would work. Too good to be true even now after all of the appointments and the shots and ultrasounds.

 

6 more days.

I’ll be here, staring at the picture of my embie, scavenging the internet for pregnancy rates on 5 day blastocyst transfers,  kissing and hugging Leopold entirely too much, and watching too much TV on ROKU.

Deep breaths. No matter what happens, we will be okay. one minute, one hour, one day at a time. We’re so close.

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9 thoughts on “2ww hamster brain

  1. dvd’s and lots of them. movie dates. lunch with girlfriends. magazines. a new pair of shoes (because you wont be able to wear new clothes…..) and what else did I do. some cooking! oh, ok this might sound cheesy but the two times it actually worked I bought something that was not baby related but was. The first time was a gorgeous red vase and the second time was a mother and child African statue. I am calling that it worked.

  2. This is such a hard time. I hated the TWW, even when we were getting positive HPTs because we didn’t know if they were chemical or not. It’s painful – that’s the best way for me to describe it.

    IF, and that’s IF, this does not work, it’s nothing you’ve done, and it’s not your uterus. Sometimes, the best looking embryos don’t stick because of luck. There’s nothing else to it much of the time. You’ve done all you can do… the rest is in fate’s hands.

    I think of you many times a day. This TWW is hardest on you, but it’s killing me too, in my own little way. I can just feel your anxiety based on my past experience. I can tell you, though, that it is all going to be OK no matter what!

  3. Reading along with your experience made me go back and re-read my posts from my IVF cycle. This was the longest 2WW in my life, and it was actually the shortest. You are so right in that it’s different than the old fashioned wait or an IUI wait because this time you know a little embryo is there…that’s steps ahead of the old fashioned or IUI. You know the hardest part is done…

    Courtney is right… if this doesn’t work, it’s not because of you. It’s all the luck of the draw. But I’m betting on you and this beautiful little embryo. No matter the result, we are here, we love you and we are all hoping this little one sticks!

    HUGS!

  4. You’re right, if it doesn’t work it’s not your fault. You’ve done everything in your power to make this successful, now it’s up to the luck of the draw. A hard truth to swallow, I’m sure.

    And you’re also right that you’ll be okay. You’ll get through it, even if it’s really, really hard.

    Abiding with you.

  5. As you told me just yesterday, “You are not failing.” Such easy words to say to a friend, such hard ones to believe yourself. But they are the truth.

    I can only imagine those feelings of responsibility and protectiveness for that beautiful embryo. I am hopeful that he did stick around and that mood of your appointment on tuesday is decidedly jubiliant.

    Many hugs.

  6. I really hope these next several days fly by for you. I always dreaded the waiting, and really it seems like you can never escape it. Always waiting for the next thing. I agree with the other ladies that you are not failing, it’s not your fault if this doesn’t work, just the odds of IVF. I’m still sending positive vibes your way that this WILL work!

  7. I think I would feel just the same as you, but of course you know if this cycle isn’t meant to be it was not your fault. Like you said, you can get pregnant, it can work–and work amazingly, as L is proof!–so if this little emby was not meant to be your second, then another one will. But I hope you don’t need to worry about any of that!

    Stay zen. One day at a time. You are doing great!

  8. I know this must be such a tough time. Hoping these final days fly by and are full of busy busy non-stop action so you don’t even have a moment to worry…. yah right, I know, impossible. Still hope they fly by as quickly as can be expected. Sending tons of positive vibes in your direction and fingers remain crossed for you and *Stanley*!!!

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