I thought that the wait between transfer and beta would be no big thing. I’ve had many, many, two week waits before in my TTC journey to date. Like, 39? It’s nothing new with IVF, right? I can zone. I can be all zen.
It’s a whole different ball game when you see the gorgeous embryo, this tiny ball of many cells filled with so potential. Then watch the embryo transferred into your uterus, transferred from the lab into its hopeful home and to its mother where it should be kept safe and sound for 9 months. I feel very protective and a lot of responsibility to that embryo, to create a safe, comfy, ute space for it to settle in. If we get a negative, it will feel like I have failed my potential child. My womb was somehow unwilling or unable to nurture and sustain the beautiful little life that we worked so hard to create.
Obviously there is nothing I can do to control whether or not things are going to work out. Of course, it’s not my fault if things don’t work, it’s just bad luck, it’s falling on the wrong side of the statistics yet again. Sometimes these things just don’t pan out. I know my body is capable of getting and staying pregnant, but who knows if this embryo will take and grow to be our second child.
I am trying to stay busy, to pack our schedule full of lots of things, to bask in the hilarity and sweetness that is my now-20 month old son, but it does not quiet the ever-present inner dialogue of “am i or aren’t I?” for long. Sigh. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.
I’ve been trying to refocus my brain on all the things we are lucky to have regardless of the outcome of this cycle.
I know even if it’s negative, we will survive. Even if I get pregnant, and I miscarry or it’s ectopic, we will survive. We have Leopold, we can survive this.
We were lucky that we even had the chance to give IVF a shot, without fertility coverage / health insurance we likely wouldn’t have pursued this for years.
I have a consult setup with my RE for next Tuesday where she will hopefully shed some light on where and how severe our conception issues are based on how i responded, how my eggs looked, our embryos, fertilization rate etc. It’s weird to think how different the tone of that meeting will be based on Monday’s bloodwork results.
I hate that I’m so trained and hardened by our infertility journey that I can’t let myself believe that this embryo will grow our future take-home baby, even for this short 10 day wait. I have glimmers of great hope that this will work out, I do. But it feels too easy still, that this would work. Too good to be true even now after all of the appointments and the shots and ultrasounds.
6 more days.
I’ll be here, staring at the picture of my embie, scavenging the internet for pregnancy rates on 5 day blastocyst transfers, kissing and hugging Leopold entirely too much, and watching too much TV on ROKU.
Deep breaths. No matter what happens, we will be okay. one minute, one hour, one day at a time. We’re so close.