It was a weekend full of ups and downs. After getting my period on Thanksgiving morning, I was pretty numb most of the day until around 4 pm when I started to really choke back tears on how upset I was with the way things turned out. Three IUIs, three down in 2012, and we got no where? All of those shots, money, headaches, appointments, giving up running, all for NOTHING? It SUCKS.
I think part of what got to me is L is getting so big, and all of the extended family had to mention it all day. “Wow, he’s not a baby any more!” and “he’s so big! Such a boy now!” and “so tall!” which of course, as he should be, he’s 1.5, he’s a big, thriving boy and doing great. But it just made me think of how I wished I would be expecting again and I wish he could be a big bro in a half a year or so, but I have no idea how or when we might be able to make that happen. Not to mention my pregnant SIL and the ultrasound photos from their 20 week u/s being shared and names being talked about. I’m happy for them, I am, it’s just, difficult to witness how different this journey can be. How pain-free, fuss free it can all be. That the most difficult, trying, longest part of the journey could be the actual pregnancy.
I pretty much would have gotten on the next flight to Hawaii by myself if I could have. I needed some solitude. I needed to be in my sadness for a while, to mourn the fact that our journey to a second child could have been relatively easy. It’s just not going to be. It’s going to take some time again, and who knows how long.
I made it through the day without crying in front of my in-laws. So that’s a win.
Black Friday I kicked off the day with a trip to the RE for my official beta. Thankfully the appointment was very, very quick and painless. I was in and out in 5 minutes, which is good because I was hanging on by a thread. I barely made it out the door before the tears started, and I just kept crying. And crying. And crying.
I just couldn’t stop the tears. I was supposed to call my husband after my appointment. But I just wanted to drive. And keep driving. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to go anywhere but sit my ass on a beach, drink too much, and just get all the pain out of my system.
Eventually I found myself in the Target parking lot. I cried some more, then eventually dried my tears. I sipped on a Gingerbread latte. I got it together enough to head into the store and came out with a great deal on a 40″ flatscreen. I’m talking 100 bucks off. Score! The day got better from there. More retail therapy with my SIL, which proved to be a good distraction. Hubs got the flu on Friday night, so we spent Saturday in (we were supposed to go to a party, but decided to keep our germs to ourselves) and got the house ready for the holidays.
And so began the good part of the weekend. Being stuck inside our little house with our little family prepping the house for the holidays was bliss. It was exactly the kind of restorative weekend I needed. Hanging up L’s first Christmas ornament from last year? Awesome. Hanging up the pregnancy ornaments from 2010? Warm fuzzies. Finding last year’s picture of L with Santa? Perfection. Getting our house together for the holidays really got the holiday spirit going for me and reminded me how very blessed we are to have each other and how this year, we’ll be okay through the holidays despite staring down IVF in our near future (working plan is IVF starting around Jan 20th).
All in all? A good, restorative weekend by the end. I’m glad C was off on Friday and I got that time to myself fall apart a little bit. I really needed to get those emotions out and process how disappointed I am in the outcome of our cycles with the RE.
I’m also so glad I got that time with my family afterwards to get in the holiday spirit and start to look forward to Christmas. Onward and upward, we’ll trudge forward. We are so lucky we have each other (and insurance coverage that makes IVF an option for us).
This post is a part of PAIL’s the Monday Snapshot series. Checkout more here.