the Monday Snapshot: bad to good weekend edition

It was a weekend full of ups and downs. After getting my period on Thanksgiving morning, I was pretty numb most of the day until around 4 pm when I started to really choke back tears on how upset I was with the way things turned out. Three IUIs, three down in 2012, and we got no where? All of those shots, money, headaches, appointments, giving up running, all for NOTHING? It SUCKS.

I think part of what got to me is L is getting so big, and all of the extended family had to mention it all day. “Wow, he’s not a baby any more!” and “he’s so big! Such a boy now!” and “so tall!” which of course, as he should be, he’s 1.5, he’s a big, thriving boy and doing great. But it just made me think of how I wished I would be expecting again and I wish he could be a big bro in a half a year or so, but I have no idea how or when we might be able to make that happen. Not to mention my pregnant SIL and the ultrasound photos from their 20 week u/s being shared and names being talked about. I’m happy for them, I am, it’s just, difficult to witness how different this journey can be. How pain-free, fuss free it can all be. That the most difficult, trying, longest part of the journey could be the actual pregnancy.

Harumph.

I pretty much would have gotten on the next flight to Hawaii by myself if I could have. I needed some solitude. I needed to be in my sadness for a while, to mourn the fact that our journey to a second child could have been relatively easy. It’s just not going to be. It’s going to take some time again, and who knows how long.

I made it through the day without crying in front of my in-laws. So that’s a win.

Black Friday I kicked off the day with a trip to the RE for my official beta. Thankfully the appointment was very, very quick and painless. I was in and out in 5 minutes, which is good because I was hanging on by a thread. I barely made it out the door before the tears started, and I just kept crying. And crying. And crying.

And crying.

I just couldn’t stop the tears. I was supposed to call my husband after my appointment. But I just wanted to drive. And keep driving. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to go anywhere but sit my ass on a beach, drink too much, and just get all the pain out of my system.

Eventually I found myself in the Target parking lot. I cried some more, then eventually dried my tears. I sipped on a Gingerbread latte. I got it together enough to head into the store and came out with a great deal on a 40″ flatscreen. I’m talking 100 bucks off. Score! The day got better from there. More retail therapy with my SIL, which proved to be a good distraction. Hubs got the flu on Friday night, so we spent Saturday in (we were supposed to go to a party, but decided to keep our germs to ourselves) and got the house ready for the holidays.

And so began the good part of the weekend. Being stuck inside our little house with our little family prepping the house for the holidays was bliss. It was exactly the kind of restorative weekend I needed. Hanging up L’s first Christmas ornament from last year? Awesome. Hanging up the pregnancy ornaments from 2010? Warm fuzzies. Finding last year’s picture of L with Santa? Perfection. Getting our house together for the holidays really got the holiday spirit going for me and reminded me how very blessed we are to have each other and how this year, we’ll be okay through the holidays despite staring down IVF in our near future (working plan is IVF starting around Jan 20th).

Watching dada put up the lights outside

 

tree fluffing with dada

 

the best pic I could get before he ripped the Santa hat off.

I was there too. Snuggles on the couch during breakfast. Makeup-less and AF zits abound.

All in all? A good, restorative weekend by the end. I’m glad C was off on Friday and I got that time to myself fall apart a little bit. I really needed to get those emotions out and process how disappointed I am in the outcome of our cycles with the RE.

I’m also so glad I got that time with my family afterwards to get in the holiday spirit and start to look forward to Christmas. Onward and upward, we’ll trudge forward. We are so lucky we have each other (and insurance coverage that makes IVF an option for us).

This post is a part of PAIL’s the Monday Snapshot series. Checkout more here.

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15 thoughts on “the Monday Snapshot: bad to good weekend edition

  1. Again, so sorry about damn AF showing up at the start of your weekend. Glad you were able to get that time alone to let it all out and do a bit of shopping to lift your spirits! So glad the rest of your weekend went well and you got to enjoy that family time and Christmas decorating. Looks so cozy inside your house! 🙂

  2. Oh A. I’m so sorry. It’s so freaking unfair. And I know just what you mean about just wanting to be alone. Just wanting to run away and BE in your sadness. With a little one around, and all the work he or she generates, that is almost impossible. I have found that to be a difficult aspect of this journey. Of course that same little person can bring an immense amount of comfort. It’s just hard not to have any say in when you get time to just be and when you don’t.

    I’m so glad you guys started early. I know like seems crazy big right now but 1.5 is not that old and hopefully you’ll have a baby when they are still just a few years apart. That is another hard part of doing this the 2nd time, watching them get older and experiencing the space between them widen with each passing day. It’s like watching the shape of your fily change and not having any say in it. I always dreamed my kids would be two years apart and my daughter is already 2.5yo and we’re just starting treatments. It’s something I accept over and over again, sometime with more grace than others. I hope that because you started so early you’ll have the time you need to create a family that looks like the one you always dreamed of. I have a lot of hope that will be the case.

    Abiding with you.

  3. I’m so sorry this is not turning out the way you’d hoped. L will get a sibling, and in my humble opinion (with almost 32 years experience as a big sis), I think three years apart is perfection, so you’re just getting closer to that 🙂 Not that I’m wishing another year wait on ya – definitely NOT. Big hugs, friend.

  4. I am so glad you had that time to yourself to let it all out. People sometimes don’t understand that – that we just want to be alone to cry and think about should have been, but isn’t. Reading this reminds me so much of how I handled our trudge towards Matthew – it was so hard and impossible for anyone else to understand. People want you to look forward to the next step (ask Esperanza, I have told her this too many times.. ugh!) but it’s so hard to get out of the here and now. Especially when the next step is just as uncertain as the last one taken.

    I’m glad your weekend turned around. It’s amazing how quickly things can change when you have a happy little person reminding you that they’re there, and that they love you to the ends of the world and back 🙂

  5. OMG the picture of you in the car…breaks my heart. You SO captured exactly how it feels. I am SOOOO sorry you are here. I am feeling similar to you. As Raegan’s first birthday is fast approaching, I am not where I expected to be. I should be coming up on 12 weeks pregnant right now. As my cramps remind me, I am not even close to being there.

    January will hopefully bring you better options and results! I’m so glad your weekend kind of turned around. Enjoy the next month and a half of running….and lattes….I think your attitude has some serious inspiration in it for me. Thankful for what we have, and that what we have gives us options.

    Sending big hugs!!!

  6. Oh babe. It hurts my heart to know yours is hurting so much. I want to give you a big, big hug somehow through the screen knowing (and seeing) you feel like this, even for a minute. But I know it is more than a minute some days. I’m always just a ping away if you need me those minutes… xoxoxo

    I am so very proud of you for giving this everything you’ve got, and that includes sharing it with all of us. It’s a whole other kettle of fish this time, and we’re here for you. For all the fish… or whatever that saying really means! I am buoyed to know that C is such a supportive guy and I have faith that this will somehow work out. I wish this didn’t have to be so hard, but I know it really, really is some days.

    Also? I love Luke. I love seeing his mug every day! I am sure you agree. 🙂 xoxo

  7. Oh man, that picture makes me want to cry for you! I am so so sorry you didn’t get the outcome you were hoping for. It sucks, there is no way to sugar coat it, it just sucks. I’m glad you had a good weekend at home though with your family, some time to reflect on things, and recharge for the next step.

  8. Oh Al…I wish I could give you a big ol hug right now. You are such a strong person. I am sorry IF continues to wrench her ugly head into your life. I know L will be a big brother. Know that you are a person I really admire. I know that good things, great things are bound to happen soon. I wish you well my friend.

  9. Family time to get in the holiday spirit sounds like exactly what the doctor ordered!
    I’m so bummed that IUI#3 wasn’t it for you guys, but I think you have a great plan moving forward. Hang in there hon!!

  10. I’m so sorry you are going through this. IF is so, so hard. Big hugs to you! And love that our sons have the same name…it was my brother’s name (the one who died), too, so it’s extra special to me.
    Good luck with your IF plans moving forward. It’s so hard to keep going with this, but the rewards can be so great…

  11. Wow, that sounds like the worst Thanksgiving EVER. The u/s pictures? The ‘big boy’ comments? On the very DAY that AF shows up? A day on which you’re supposed to be thankful??? TOO, TOO MUCH. I’m sorry you had to go through that. But I am glad that you got rescued a bit by the Christmas spirit and were able to finally enjoy your weekend. I am convinced that 2013 will be your year! It does suck to be STILL infertile, though– I know!

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