11 DPO / DPIUI over here. It seems each cycle is the same – the first week of the wait I am easily distracted, manage not to think about things much, the second week it’s ALL I can think about. This month is extra bad since our consult with the doctor last week, contingency plans are all I can think of. If we fail, should we take December off? Should we try to sneak in one more IUI given that I already have a vial of Foll.istim waiting for me in my fridge?
My main hesitation with this is history repeating itself. In November/December 2009, we did our very first clomid/IUI cycle, which resulted in a positive beta. I got my positive on December 23rd (if my memory serves me right). We told our parents at Christmas and New Year’s I miscarried just before 6 weeks. Doing another IUI at this time of year, just doesn’t sit right. I remember that cycle so vividly. It was my first IUI cycle. I think my main fears are two fold: getting a negative just before Christmas and knowing IVF is on the horizon for SURE for 2013 or getting a positive and being petrified that history would repeat itself and miscarriage is just around the corner. Both are kind of silly reasons, really, but something just doesn’t feel right to me about cycling around the holidays. It seems like a no good, very bad idea.
Then I turn the thought of IVF over in my mind and I just about shut down. I can’t think of it. It seems too huge, too stressful, too emotionally and physically taxing. At the same time, it seems too easy. Financially, our insurance covers two IVF cycles. I don’t believe it would cover the cost of frozen embryo storage if we were lucky enough to have any, but the decision seems almost to easy to me and it makes me feel strange. It’s stupid, really. I have some huge hang-ups about them that I can’t even communicate. I can’t seem to rationalize doing IVF when I have L in my arms and I know that he came to us without assistance. How can it be, two years later, that we need SO MUCH assistance? Should I just be patient? Is my want of ideal child spacing enough of a reason to do IVF and do it now? Am I being greedy and impatient for moving forward so quickly? If we just wait, will we be waiting forever? Is there a *right* answer here?
In the next thought, I clearly KNOW we are infertile. We always have been. It is not unrealistic to go through with IVF. We were then, we are now. As of Christmas day this year, it will again be a full year of TTC #2 even WITH 3 IUIs under our belts (assuming this last IUI doesn’t take). I would smack any IF friend upside the head for having the same thoughts I am entertaining.Well, you know, via the internet. Not literally. Please, feel free to do the same.
I know I am blabbering nonsense. I know.
In other news, my sweet boy turned one and a half yesterday. EIGHTEEN MONTHS. 18 wonderful months of being a mom. That’s significant. I can feel those extra hard days off TTC #1 moving further and further behind me, even as I’m somehow doing the same things as I was then, I am changed when I became his mother. It struck me in between worrying about how old L will be if / when he gets a sibling, I had this positive thought:
someday I will be a mother for longer than I was trying to become one.
I found peace in that thought. That although our infertility struggles will always be a part of who I am, the pain that I went through will diminish over time. While the memories I make with my kid? They expand exponentially with each passing year and day. It’s an realization that brought me a lot of peace and perspective and halted the “what ifs” I was stuck in.
We will get through this, whatever it takes. Even if the end result is we don’t have a sibling for L. Whatever path we take will be the right one for our family. We will be okay. We are so lucky to have infertility coverage and options to build our family.