crazy in limbo land

11 DPO / DPIUI over here. It seems each cycle is the same – the first week of the wait I am easily distracted, manage not to think about things much, the second week it’s ALL I can think about. This month is extra bad since our consult with the doctor last week, contingency plans are all I can think of. If we fail, should we take December off? Should we try to sneak in one more IUI given that I already have a vial of Foll.istim waiting for me in my fridge?

My main hesitation with this is history repeating itself. In November/December 2009, we did our very first clomid/IUI cycle, which resulted in a positive beta. I got my positive on December 23rd (if my memory serves me right). We told our parents at Christmas and New Year’s I miscarried just before 6 weeks. Doing another IUI at this time of year, just doesn’t sit right. I remember that cycle so vividly. It was my first IUI cycle. I think my main fears are two fold: getting a negative just before Christmas and knowing IVF is on the horizon for SURE for 2013 or getting a positive and being petrified that history would repeat itself and miscarriage is just around the corner. Both are kind of silly reasons, really, but something just doesn’t feel right to me about cycling around the holidays. It seems like a no good, very bad idea.

Then I turn the thought of IVF over in my mind and I just about shut down. I can’t think of it. It seems too huge, too stressful, too emotionally and physically taxing. At the same time, it seems too easy. Financially, our insurance covers two IVF cycles. I don’t believe it would cover the cost of frozen embryo storage if we were lucky enough to have any, but the decision seems almost to easy to me and it makes me feel strange. It’s stupid, really. I have some huge hang-ups about them that I can’t even communicate. I can’t seem to rationalize doing IVF when I have L in my arms and I know that he came to us without assistance. How can it be, two years later, that we need SO MUCH assistance? Should I just be patient? Is my want of ideal child spacing enough of a reason to do IVF and do it now? Am I being greedy and impatient for moving forward so quickly? If we just wait, will we be waiting forever? Is there a *right* answer here?

In the next thought, I clearly KNOW we are infertile. We always have been. It is not unrealistic to go through with IVF. We were then, we are now. As of Christmas day this year, it will again be a full year of TTC #2 even WITH 3 IUIs under our belts (assuming this last IUI doesn’t take). I would smack any IF friend upside the head for having the same thoughts I am entertaining.Well, you know, via the internet. Not literally. Please, feel free to do the same.

I know I am blabbering nonsense. I know.

In other news, my sweet boy turned one and a half yesterday. EIGHTEEN MONTHS. 18 wonderful months of being a mom. That’s significant. I can feel those extra hard days off TTC #1 moving further and further behind me, even as I’m somehow doing the same things as I was then, I am changed when I became his mother. It struck me in between worrying about how old L will be if / when he gets a sibling, I had this positive thought:

someday I will be a mother for longer than I was trying to become one.

I found peace in that thought. That although our infertility struggles will always be a part of who I am, the pain that I went through will diminish over time. While the memories I make with my kid? They expand exponentially with each passing year and day. It’s an  realization that brought me a lot of peace and perspective and halted the “what ifs” I was stuck in.

We will get through this, whatever it takes. Even if the end result is we don’t have a sibling for L. Whatever path we take will be the right one for our family. We will be okay. We are so lucky to have infertility coverage and options to build our family.

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9 thoughts on “crazy in limbo land

  1. Ugh this post touches a nerve. I wish it were easy for everyone.

    IVF is HUGE, it’s a big step. But it’s so doable, and it’s NOT unnecessary. I actually preferred IVF to my IUIs because I felt so much more in control. You KNOW there’s an embryo inside of you, where with IUI you never even know if you got that far. I know that probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it does in my crazy head ; )

  2. “Both are kind of silly reasons, really, but something just doesn’t feel right to me about cycling around the holidays.” No – these are not silly reasons at all. If you don’t feel like cycling, then you don’t cycle. I totally believe in following your gut on these things and your gut is telling you not to cycle in December. It doesn’t matter how silly you may think the reasons are.

    I remember thinking that IVF was too easy as well. As much as I’d hoped we’d get to work through different IF treatments (and hoping that one would work), there was also a sense of, “I get to move straight to IVF, that’s too easy.” I was scared, and grateful, all at the same time. Grateful that I got to go with the treatment that had the highest success rates, but scared that it was the end of the line. It’s terrifying for so many reasons. We, like you, had insurance coverage and that helped a lot, because all we had to really think about at the time was how the treatments would affect US – not our finances. (With this last attempt, we knew we would be out of insurance so things got much scarier as we were considering a fresh cycle if the FET didn’t work.)

    I hope you enjoy the holidays. I’m still hoping for you for this latest cycle and, selfishly, hoping you’ll test some time this week 😉

    “someday I will be a mother for longer than I was trying to become one.” I love that. Thank you for that. That thought brings me peace too – thank you for sharing it!

  3. Wow this is such a tough decision really. I totally understand questioning if you haven’t just given it enough time and if you wait, will it happen? Or knowing that you are ready for another child now and taking the necessary steps to accomplish that. It’s wonderful that you have IVF coverage so that’s not an additional burden on you, trying to come up with the financial means.

    I LOVE this statement!!! “someday I will be a mother for longer than I was trying to become one.” Wow, totally true! And definitely brings perspective.

    I hope all of these is just turns out to be blabbering…b/c you are already cookin’ a babe now!!

  4. I completely understand holding off treatment. My husband and I have both decided to wait until after the holidays to try again. My very first IUI was screwed up and failed 3 days before Christmas. 2 years ago I found out I was pregnant the day before Thanksgiving and a week later we were told the pregnancy wasn’t viable. Last year, we had our daughter. I can’t even think about cycling with fear of failure or miscarriage around Raegan’s birthday or the holidays again. So come January we will revisit what our plans are.

    You are in a very unique situation. Conceiving without assistance after trying for so long and then struggling again for number 2. Moving forward with IVF is definitely a huge thing. I put it off for as long as possible, but then we got lucky on our first try. And there is the element of control. I’m so hoping you’re pregnant now and this whole post becomes a moot point!

    And I agree…the line “someday I’ll be a mother longer than I was trying to be one” hits home….beautiful!

  5. Gosh, I hadn’t thought of that – someday we will be mothers longer than we were trying to become mothers. What a reassuring thought. Call me if you want someone to bounce dilemmas/reservations off of.

  6. I had so much to say earlier and then you stopped me with this and I had to go away for a while and come back:

    “someday I will be a mother for longer than I was trying to become one.”

    On the days that were/are really bad, I think this. Someday, this will be further behind me. The scar will not be noticeable at first glance. It won’t throb anymore. Someday, it will just be part of my skin looks like now.

    I want to assure you that you are NOT crazy and it is NOT nonsense – every single thought up there is real and valid. You can move forward (or not) with IVF (or not) for whatever reasons are good enough for you and C. It *does not matter* that you have L now, or how he was conceived. You know that infertile does not mean sterile – sometimes natural pregnancies happen! You do not have to accept scraps because it happened to you. You do not have to “just be grateful”. You deserve the family you want in your heart. This is not greed. It is not. It isn’t. It is LOVE for the child in your arms and the ones in your heart. Listen to your gut.

  7. THIS: “someday I will be a mother for longer than I was trying to become one.” If there were a like button, a favorite button, and a thank you button, I would push them all for that statement. ❤

  8. Like many others already commented… this one statement really stood out to me (before reading that it did for everyone else too! 😉 )…. “someday I will be a mother for longer than I was trying to become one.” And then the paragraph that follows… So powerful and so true. Memories of IF will seem so small in a lifetime of amazing memories with our children.

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