gun shy

I can’t even come up with a coherent title to this post or really collect my thoughts as I’d like to so bear with me as I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say. I’ve done all of the things I wanted to do to prepare for trying to get pregnant again, but I’m unable to muster much enthusiasm, energy, mental capacity, or excitement about conceiving again. I’m feeling so defeated before I even start, I’m not even sad or upset, I just…I’m unsure about the whole thing. I feel the prospect of getting pregnant again is more complex than ever.

I feel like a child looking over the edge of one those huge, cement platform diving boards. I’m right there, toes at the end, peeking down at the icy blue unknown. Unsure if it will hurt like hell and I’ll wind up with a nasty wedgie, contacts that fell off of my eyeballs, and water up my nose or if I’ll manage to make it back up from the water unscathed.

I’m just…not excited about it at all. It’s not that I don’t want to be pregnant right now, it’s just that I don’t want to go back to that place of driving myself crazy. Of depression, loss, charting, temping, toilet-paper-inspecting, blood draws, ultrasounds, and peeing on sticks.

I’m midway through my first full cycle trying to get pregnant without breastfeeding (you know, the one I’d said I’d really try) and I have no idea what cycle day I’m on. I check the toilet paper every so often, but MEH whatever. I just can’t bring myself to really try more than having sex with my husband every other day.

I’m supposed to get a sonohystogram this month if I’m not pregnant, which I’m not, and I just can’t bring myself to pick up the phone. I keep telling myself next month, I’ll schedule it. Next month I’ll start to care.

I feel no sense of urgency in trying to get pregnant again. I don’t dare hope for anything, so I’m really defeating myself before I even start.

I try to hype myself up about the whole thing, but each time I do, there’s a mental comeback to each one.

Positive thought: “Hey! You actually got pregnant fairly easily kind of! On 2/3 IUIs!!!”
Negative thought: “Yea, but you lost both of those babies.”
Positive thought: “You got pregnant without assistance! It could happen!!”
Negative thought: “One time out of how many mother effing cycles?”
Positive thought: “Hey, it could have been a lot worse!”
Negative thought: “yea, I’ll probably figure out just how bad this time around.”

You get the idea. I’ve gone down the Eeyore rabbit hole. I know. It’s kind of ridiculous.

I trudge on for now, trying to quiet my inner negative Nancy. I will call to schedule the sono with my next period and have hubs do his SA and bloodwork. I also need to schedule my yearly with my gyn. {Sigh. Gulp. I can do this.} I think my biggest fear in this whole things is that I will end up depressed and unable to care properly I can be for my one amazing son or lose sight of the fact that I am so incredibly lucky to have Cheeks. I’m okay with throwing myself into getting pregnant 100%, but I’m not sure how I’ll be able to balance being a good Mom to Cheeks with a quest to have another child.

This trying for number two stuff isn’t easy. And I haven’t even really started.


One thought on “gun shy

  1. Pingback: Featured Post: Best of 2012! – PAIL Bloggers

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